Letters to Little One


Dear Little One,

There will come a day when you want to get your driver’s license. To do so you will have to go through all of the driver’s ed classes and pass all of the necessary tests. You will learn what all of the traffic signs mean and all of the rules of the road that were created to keep us all safe as we barrel down the road in our shiny death machines. I personally, love driving. It started out as an easy alternative to being the carsick passenger, but it quickly grew into a genuine love of being behind the wheel, feeling like I have the world at my fingertips, like I can go anywhere.

That being said, I’ve created this list for you to survive in the real world of driving. Not the world you read about in the books and on the tests. I’m talking about the world of impatient, stupid people.  These rules are more about your experience on the road rather than your safety (I figure the DMV has all that covered a million times over). These are designed to increase happiness and hopefully, decrease the number of middle fingers thrown your way.

  • Use your blinkers. All the time.

o   AND: Always turn your blinker off after you turn or change lanes. Don’t be the person driving for 4 miles with your left blinker on.

  • Always give the “thank you” wave when someone lets you cut in front of them.

o   AND burn lasers into the backs of cars who don’t give you the “thank you” wave.

  • Don’t be the person who stops in the middle of the cross walk. It’s not like that intersection just snuck up on you
  • Do less honking and more yelling (with the windows up). It feels better and not as many people can tell you’re a jerk.
  • When in traffic, lose all inhibitions and dance your face off to the best song you can find on the radio. The judgmental looks you may or may not receive are based on jealousy and are to be ignored.
  • Never try to eat anything off of a paper plate while driving. It will spill on you. Try using a paper towel, it has more traction and will stick to your dashboard.
  • Be wary of good looking individuals. They will always be walking behind something that inhibits your view of them, which will force your head swivel around at an alarming angle to see them, which will probably make you crash.
  • If the thought, “I’m not sure if I can fit there,” comes to mind while parking, you probably can’t. Prove your stellar parallel parking abilities in a bigger space that is not in between a Lexus and a BMW.
  • Don’t be the person who farts in the car with only 1 other person and then tries to say that the air conditioning smells bad. You’re not fooling anyone and you’re wasting your time with your ramblings about the exhaust and your lack of Freon.
  • Never open your air freshener all the way right after you buy it. You will slowly suffocate yourself and your passengers and the coroner will forever state the cause of death as Hawaiian Mist.
  • Be carefully aggressive. Don’t let that dude in the Range Rover boss you around, but don’t recklessly barrel in front of him either.
  • Never text, ever. It’s not cool and it’s not worth it. If there is something that is seriously, without a doubt, THE most pressing thing you have ever had to discuss, PULL OVER DAMNIT.

If I think of more I’ll let you know.

In the meantime, study hard Little One; don’t assume you were born smarter than the test. I did, and I failed it the first time. And guess what? It sucked.

See you soon.






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